IT'S THE MICHAEL JACKSON FUNERAL HOUR!

(from 2009 I think)

Nearly two weeks after his Jacksidental death, the King of Pop was exploited at the Staples Center in Los Angeles by a family of scenery-chewing 1930's black Southern Baptist mourners claiming to be the Jackson family. The Gala was covered by all the major networks, several rogue satellite stations, a public access channel in Dubuque and The Disney Channel who leads the bidding war in the show's syndication rights. The Incredible Hulk's Lou Ferrigno, Wesley Snipes  and a host of other B-listers attended the much anticipated event which is rumored to have been in the works since 1979.

It was a cornucopia of assholes.

Rapist Kobe Bryant and sole owner of the AIDS cure Magic Johnson shot and missed eulogy “three pointers” for 4 awkward minutes while gangsta rappers made hand gestures at roaming live tv cameras. I hope someone was fired for this.


The first 300 through the doors of the Home of the Los Angeles Lakers were each given one of the 300 "other gloves" which they whirled in the air as if they were Laker towels in a play off game. Pharria Carey, undistracted by the glove action and concentrating much more on her 3 layers of spanks took the stage to sing and by note 4 she confirmed that no, she is no longer talented.  But she sees Michael up there in the rafters because she kept looking up there. 

A fat black girl wearing a short white dress sang some song.

The show closed with a reading from the " I Love You Daddy Eulogy Handbook". Jackson's 11 year old daughter Paris who you can just tell will know the feeling of bills being stuffed in her g-string, faltered horribly handing in one of the worst funeral performances ever. But in her defense she must have had difficulty paying attention with all those Jacksons knuckle bumping and making the “cha-ching” sound. The older son said one or two things and the test-tube genetically engineered son just stood there making us all wonder. About a lot of things.

Then everyone pledged to keep Michael's secrets. And lied.

The mercy meal after the service took place in the parking lot and was catered by Kentucky Fried Chicken/Taco Bell. Fat old black ladies waved fans to cool off while hollering at the 20 – 30 Isaiah's running loose in the lot. Back at Neverland, Mexican housekeepers stole everything that was shiny. 

Analysts predict the bones will be picked longer than those of the Elephant Man.


 Jews .  I forgot to insult  Jews.